you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
