She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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