I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
