I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
