Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
