another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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