he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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