JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
