census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
