I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
