if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
