I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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