Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I want a musical about memes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
