literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
