An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
