i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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