I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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