You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
