the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
