I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
