in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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