the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
