those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
