i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
