Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
