I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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