Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have aggressive nipples.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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