Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
