I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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