And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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