yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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