So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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