I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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