My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
