I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
