She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
