My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
