I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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