This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
