I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
