VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
