Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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