You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
