Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This baby is an asshole
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
