Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
