I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
