she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
