I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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