I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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