this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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